Just when you thought that "Rapid-Fire Appearances" was down for the count, it gets up off the mat and starts pinning down "MADtv" cast members left and right. The scandalous, soy milk-fueled orgy that ensues is this recurring Front Page News feature, for which virgins may require a brief explanation. Basically, "Rapid-Fire Appearances" cuts through most of the journalistic fluff in order to bring you several of the latest television and film appearances by "MADtv" cast members and alumni. In other words, if you like plain folks' talk without all that big-city, fancy-schmancy language to clutter things up, then read on, my couch-spud friend. Shoot fire, what are we waiting for, partner? Let's fire up this dadgum rodeo!

If you need a reason to watch Eddie Murphy's latest comedy film, Meet Dave (released on July 11th), then perhaps an appearance by "mustachioed grunt" Pat Kilbane will whet your appetite. As this movie review informs us, Pat's character, a crew member from the planet Nil -- oh, the easy jokes I'm suppressing! -- apparently "turns gay" after watching A Chorus Line. He and the film's other main characters, including Eddie's, are minute explorers from Nil. Their transgalactic mission is to steal Earth's natural resources so that they can save their tennis ball of a planet. At any rate, if the idea of stereotypical humor at Pat's expense seems endlessly appealing to you, then be sure to catch Meet Dave before theaters render it, well, nil. Special thanks go to MADfan2004 for bringing Pat's literally and figuratively miniature role to our attention.

While you are scanning the theaters for Pat's movie, go check out Bobby Lee in Pineapple Express. Yeah, yeah, I can hear your moans and groans already, you sad sacks. However, as this review makes clear, Bobby's performance may well be worth checking out. The film itself centers around a couple of stoners (Seth Rogen and James Franco) who unwittingly find themselves in the middle of a drug war. Bobby's character, who just so happens to be named Bobby himself (so much for originality), shows up toward the movie's climax as an assassin from an Asian gang. According to the review, his performance is -- dare I say it? -- hilarious. Obviously, you will have to see the movie in order to judge for yourself. Pineapple Express opened in theaters on August 6th, so you should still have time to catch it before it wastes away into the hallucinogenic land of DVD. If you want a glimpse of what I assume is a fully clothed Bobby, then take advantage of this rare opportunity while you still can. You'll be so wasted, dudes. Special thanks go to nick for bringing this one to our attention.

Are you looking for some Keegan-Michael Key TV comedy that has nothing to do with "MADtv" itself? Then get ready to feast on some "Chocolate News"! According to the information found here, the series will star David Alan Grier in a fake news program that will serve up the news from an African-American perspective. Keegan himself is scheduled to play Woodsy in at least one episode. If we assume that Keegan's character will be a hit and that "MADtv" will permit him a little moonlighting, then we may be fortunate enough to catch him on several other "Chocolate News" episodes. Still, if you know the adage regarding assumptions, then you know that a two-microsecond cameo is the more likely scenario. Whatever the case may prove to be, keep a brown eye open for Keegan when "Chocolate News" premieres October 15th on Comedy Central.

Credit Mike Judge for continuing to keep David Herman gainfully employed. The good word -- or should I say "goode word"? -- from Zap2it is that a new Mike Judge animated series, "The Goode Family," will contend for midseason placement on ABC. If the series makes the cut, then expect David to voice Ubuntu Goode, just one member of an environmentally, politically, and socially aware family. Naturally, the Goodes' efforts often meet with hilarious consequences; after all, who could possibly pass up an opportunity to make fun of damn, dirty hippies? Therefore, if you would like a cartoon glimpse into my college days -- don't be hating, you capitalistic fascists! -- then "The Goode Family" might just do you some, well, good.

Those who were wisely betting that the ubiquitous name Orlando Jones would pop up somewhere in this "RFA" edition may now collect. The Big O now makes his omnipotent presence known in Cirque du Freak. If you were also betting that I would provide you with a helpful link to an article discussing this fantasy film, then congratulations on your early retirements, you capitalistic fascists:

"CIRQUE DU FREAK is about a young boy named Darren Shan, who, after attending an illegal freak show with his best friend, decides to become a vampire's assistant in order to save his best friend's life. Forced to leave his home and family forever, Darren joins the freak show, where he meets a host of bizarre creatures and finds himself at the center of a war between the vampires and a rival clan."

Although I do not know exactly how Orlando's Alexander Ribs, fits into this craziness, I can confirm my inability to say his character's name out loud without experiencing fits of laughter. (I'm strange like that.) Expect Cirque du Freak to show its fangs in theaters some time in 2008.

Can Josh Meyers figure out How to Make Love to a Woman? With some help from silicone goddess Jenna Jameson, who plays her silicone self in this indie romantic comedy, Josh's character (Andy) will almost certainly find the answer. Once again, I find myself wondering if I should sue the scriptwriters for copyright infringement. After all, Andy's inability to satisfy his girlfriend (hence, the need for Jenna's advice) is certainly a swiped reference from my never-to-be-published autobiography -- that is, minus the never-to-be-realized opportunity to investigate Jenna's oversized fun bags up-close. Well, while I contemplate my potential lawsuit, read this article for more information on How to Make Love to a Woman, which is slated to bounce into theaters before year's end.

Are you an Andrew Bowen fan who has vowed to jump headfirst off a skyscraper if he appears in one more frigging TV commercial? Then perhaps Andrew's lead role in the indie thriller Conjurer will cause you to think twice about that free fall into cement. As luck would have it, there is even an official site for this movie, which has already won an award for best horror film at the Action on Film International Film Festival. (Stick that in your Oscar and smoke it.) Andrew's character, Shawn Burnett, moves into a haunted rural farmhouse with his wife, all the while dealing with a "ghostly presence" that "manifests itself in increasingly deadly ways" -- but enough about Andrew's Keanu Reeves impression. (Don't applaud, folks; just throw credit cards.) Seriously, though, Conjurer looks quite promising, as a glimpse at the trailer (available on the aforementioned site) will show. "Oh, it's just a lead role in an indie film," you say. Okay, hot shots, what have you ever starred in? Uh-huh, I'll tell you what, you cynical, capitalistic fascists: if you are lucky enough to catch this film when it hits theaters before year's end, then see if you can do any better. Or you can just ignore my pretend insult and see the film anyway.

Are you one of the myriad Nicole Randall Johnson fans who have been wondering what your favorite Darrell and Ka-Son portrayer is up to these days? You can find out on November 14th when the ironically titled comedy film Role Models is released to theaters. The film's plot, as detailed in this article, involves two salesmen (played by Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott) who trash a company truck while under the influence of energy drinks, of all things. (Ah, those were the days!) To avoid prison time, the two "role models" agree to join a mentorship program, which turns out to be almost as much of a headache as the lingering possibility of hard time. Somewhere in the middle of all this havoc, NRJ herself pops up in the role of Karen. Although I cannot find any information on her character, I am inclined to believe that she might be one of the "annoying do-gooders" from the mentoring program. It's just a hunch, though; so do not quote me on that. Anyway, if you find yourself needing a Nicole Randall Johnson fix, then consider Role Models your "dealer." You'll be so wasted, dudes. Oh, never mind -- I've already used up that brilliant joke.

Finally, if your lifelong dream is to see "MADtv" alumni Kathryn Fiore and Daniele Gaither in the same movie, then consider your low-expectation-riddled existence fulfilled after viewing the thriller Necessary Evil. Seriously, though, as this plot synopsis indicates, Kathryn's role of Deborah Fielding is what we in the news business would refer to as a "biggie":

"Locked inside Edgewater Psychiatric Institute is a deep, dark secret. Deborah Fielding, budding investigative journalist, holds the key.

Nothing can prepare her for the Pandora's box she's about to open.

Following a trail of eyewitnesses, missing persons, and anonymous tips, Deborah will stop at nothing to uncover the truth, even if it means confronting the demons from her past.

Deborah's journey plunges her into a supernatural spider web of intrigue and corruption leading to the highest echelons of power."

Daniele's character, Gail, appears to be far less significant than Karen's, although her fans may consider the opportunity to see her in anything post-"MADtv" reason enough to check out Necessary Evil. I cannot say that I share your enthusiasm, though. Sorry, but with all due respect to the lovely Ms. Dani, if I'm shelling out eight bucks to see one of these two ladies on the big screen, then Blondie gets my vote and fantasy lap dance every time. At any rate, if your upcoming New Year's Eve plans are as uneventful as mine, then you may want to hunt down this "evil" movie when it makes its scheduled Decemeber 31st debut in theaters.

At long last, we have reached the end of this long, bumpy road of "Rapid-Fire Appearances." Even though the wheels on our used jalopy are worse for the wear, we take comfort in knowing that several "MADtv" cast members and alumni will be entertaining us in the months to come. Until we enlighten and frighten you again, you capitalistic fascists -- thought I was done with that slur, huh? -- remember to stay tuned for more "Rapid-Fire Appearances"!