After months of blackmail both administered and received, we can at last reveal everything you could possibly want to know about Season 14 of "MADtv," at least before it debuts. All right, admittedly, we will not be reporting what Nicole Parker ate for breakfast this morning; nevertheless, with this update, rest assured that you will have all the Season 14 information with which any rational fan will be more than happy. Here, then, is your full scoop on the upcoming season, complete with brown chips which have not been conclusively identified as chocolate.

Let us begin by introducing you to our final addition to the Season 14 "MADtv" cast. According to this article, the fourth newbie for the upcoming season will be the lovely, versatile Erica Ash. Smile prettily for the camera, dear:



As is the case with Eric Price and Lauren Pritchard, Erica will be joining the "MADtv" cast as a featured player. According to her impressive resume, which can be found here, Erica's experience with televised sketch comedy does not actually begin with "MADtv." For two seasons, she has been a cast member on "The Big Gay Sketch Show," which, coincidentally, is directed by "MADtv" mainstay Amanda Bearse. Add to that stint her various appearances in theatrical productions and commercials, her numerous voiceovers for video games, and a list of special skills that makes most of us look downright boring by comparison; and Erica Ash may have just what it takes to survive on a show that has always prided itself on multifaceted cast members. Erica, here is hoping that you get to stick around for a while on FOX's late-night sketch comedy series.

In other news, what would a final Season 14 update be without one last surprise farewell? Fans of Jordan Peele's "MADtv" work will no doubt feel a sense of emptiness as the show's resident Morgan Freeman impersonator ends his five-year run as a cast member. Apparently, Jordan somehow managed to escape the rumored coercion by "MADtv" to squeeze a few more episodes out of its five-year players. Unfortunately, it is not known at this time whether he, Nicole Parker, and Keegan-Michael Key drew straws to determine who would get to leave after Season 13 or whether Quincy Jones simply went "eenie-meenie-miney-mo" to determine their fates. At any rate, Jordan, we at Planet MADtv hate to see you go; and we wish you the best of success in whatever showbiz endeavors you decide to pursue from this point on. Thanks for the many laughs!

Next, we can confirm that Season 14 of "MADtv" will be shot at the Sunset Bronson Studios, which are both the original location of the Warner Bros. Studios and the current home of CW affiliate KTLA, Channel 5, in Los Angeles, CA. Although we will obviously have to wait until the Season 14 debut, on September 13th, to see how these new facilities will work out for the cast, something tells me that most, if not all, of the series' diehard fans will no doubt wet themselves with glee over the sheer mention of the word studio. While Sunset Bronson Studios may not be the original "MADtv" home we all knew and loved for twelve years, I think it has to be considered a major step up from the Henry Fonda Music Box Theater. Unlike that almost roundly hated facility, Sunset Bronson will probably not inspire fans to wish all season long for a well-placed wrecking ball to find its way into the exterior walls. Enjoy your new and (we assume) vastly improved, home, you crazy Season 14 cast members, you!

Fittingly, we will conclude this "full scoop" update by reminding you of all the cast members who will be enjoying these new quarters during Season 14 of "MADtv," as well as providing you with a recap of those who will not. Established series regulars who will help provide the Season 14 fun are Crista Flanagan, Keegan-Michael Key, Bobby Lee, Arden Myrin, Nicole Parker, and Johnny Sanchez. Joining them will be new series regular Matt Braunger and three new featured players, Erica Ash, Eric Price, and Lauren Pritchard. Sadly, we have been forced at gunpoint to accept the departures of Season 13 featured players Daheli Hall, Anjelah Johnson, and Dan Oster; five-year veteran Jordan Peele; and the show's longest-running cast member ever, ten-year stalwart Michael McDonald. All in all, it will be very interesting to see how everything unfolds come September 13th. Can you handle the anticipation? I know I can. Season 14 of "MADtv," the world awaits.

Oh, listen to all of those moans and wails from disconsolate "MADtv" fans, their drooping chins scarred by rug burn. You poor things, has it really been two whole weeks since you received your last Season 14 update? Well, buck up, you sad, little groupies; for I have your precious update right here -- or at least half of an update. You will recall that we were still awaiting word on the fates of two established cast members. Through the magic of mathematical deduction, we can now reduce that number to one. Whose "MADtv" future or nonfuture has now been determined? If you and your greasy chicken bucket can part ways for a few seconds, then you may well discover the answer in the following paragraph.

The latest Season 14 update concerns Sister Revolution herself, Daheli Hall. Like all good "alphabetologies" of love, a "MADtv" cast member's tenure on the series will eventually reach the metaphorical Z. In other words, consider Season 13 Daheli's "moment of zed"; for the higher-ups have determined that she will not partake in the Season 14 "MADtv" experience. Even though I initially had high hopes for Daheli, I voiced them with the reservation that the show would have to find a way to use her gifts effectively. Oh, the gifts are definitely there, as any cursory gazes at her resume and standup comedy will show. In the end, though, these things do not always add up to the right formula for success on this particular sketch comedy series, no matter how one cares to define the elusive concept of success at this late, desperate stage. Daheli, we at Planet MADtv regret that the series did not work out for you; and we wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to pursue in your post-"MADtv" career.

Through yet another masterful combination of magic and mathematical deduction, we can now safely report that all three Season 13 featured players have performed the old disappearing act on us, no doubt against their wills. Why would "MADtv" hire the three of them only to pink-slip the entire trio at season's end? Did they not perform up to the show's, ahem, "lofty" standards; or do the aforementioned higher-ups still fail to grasp the concept that evolution is a scientific theory, not a road map for hiring and firing new comedic talents before they even have a chance to catch their breath? Alas, though, three minus three is zero; and all we can do now is to hope that the Season 14 newbies can jump through the necessary fiery hoops, eat the necessary raw crustaceans, survive the necessary backroom office politics, and make the necessary cut for the fifteenth season that may or may not necessarily occur. When will all of this unnecessary (forgive me) madness end? Stay tuned to Planet MADtv for further updates!

Exciting news for those living in Los Angeles: Daheli Hall, the latest addition to the MADtv cast, is scheduled to perform a stand-up set at the Genghis Cohen Club tonight, September 26th. She will be joined by her friends and fellow comics, Lang Parker and Anna Lane, and throughout the evening, she intends to showcase some of the characters she'll be bringing to MAD in November. Those of you who are in the area won't want to miss this one! The Genghis Cohen is located at 740 North Fairfax Avenue (again, in Los Angeles), tickets will be $5.00 at the door, and the show begins at 7:30pm. If you happen to make it, be sure to write up a report for us!

Apparently, Johnny, Anjelah, and Dan are not the only new cast members for Season 13. According to a recent article from thefutoncritic.com, an African-American woman, Daheli Hall, has been added to the Season 13 cast. Daheli's list of credits is short yet impressive: she has worked as not only an actress but also a writer, director, and producer. Although the article does not say whether Daheli will be a regular cast member or featured player, her abilities in several entertainment arenas could well be great news for the already versatile "MADtv" cast.

The Futon Critic article also mentions four new characters that will be introduced this season. Since apparently no "MADtv" cast with an African-American woman is complete without an Oprah Winfrey impression, no one should be surprised to discover that Daheli will indeed fulfill that role (both literally and figuratively) for Season 13. New original characters include Anjelah's "Tammy, the Nail Lady"; Johnny's "Farhid, the Kite Salesman from the Middle East"; and Dan's "American Jerk."

To extend a metaphor, I will simply note that Season 13 is growing by leaps and bounds. Hop aboard as it springs into action!

UPDATE: We can now confirm that Daheli was signed as a series regular.